


Going Home

by neepynoodles



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Rebirth, Reflection, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:14:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23060782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neepynoodles/pseuds/neepynoodles
Summary: He lives, he dies, he's brought back again. The moon guides him onward, but where is his home?- My piece for the Saix zine! -
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10
Collections: Moon Shine Down: A Saix Fanzine





	Going Home

_ Where is my heart?  _

That question repeats in his mind as he collapses to the ground, fading away in the Addled Impasse. The moon’s brilliant glow washes over him as the Darkness takes what it has claimed. It’s almost suffocating and he doesn’t see his moon crumble but maybe, just maybe, that’s okay. Perhaps it’s for the best. He lies still, unable to move as the cold seeps in, as the void in his chest begins to pour out and leave behind what he hopes will be his heart. 

Immediately he chides himself for the foolish thought. If even Kingdom Hearts could not, or  _ would not _ , return his heart then what hope does he have left. And yet, Saix still longs for the echo of a heartbeat through the emptiness. 

He’s found himself writing about it in the dead of night, hunched over his desk amidst mountains of reports to examine. Isa had always kept a journal, even before the fall of Radiant Garden and the birth of Saix, and the habit had lingered. Every thought, every desire, every memory he could not bear to speak aloud he had written down and filed away. Even the more traitorous thoughts had been recorded in a code that only he and Axel had shared since childhood. One could never be too careful, after all. 

Were he in a better position he would laugh as the next idea he has is to write down this experience the next chance he gets. Saix moves a hand to his chest sluggishly, as if through a thick and dense liquid, to pat just above where his heart should be. His most recent journal is still safely tucked there, the leather bound weight to it providing a little comfort as he feels his body giving in to the Darkness. 

And then for a brief moment, Isa is home again. 

It’s like a sick joke or a dream, and he’s not sure which is worse. He sees light behind his closed eyes and he takes a deep breath, hand still over his heart as he feels a thump. And then another. And another. 

And then his eyes open wide as the too familiar for comfort feeling of a keyblade pierces him and his vision returns to the black nothingness it was mere moments ago. His hand over his heart claws at his chest as he collapses. All of his work, everything he had done, and for what? 

\---

At least he gets to write, he thinks to himself as he stands on his designated pillar in the Keyblade Graveyard. He listens but does not hear any of the words that Xehanort spouts. His body still cries out for the heart it felt for a single moment before it was ripped away once more. It’s an agony that has him curling on his bed most nights, fingers turning into claws that dig into the sheets as his demons cry and scream and try to force their way out of his throat. This is not his home, this is not where he belongs. But his fate has never cared. 

He writes as much as he can by the light of the moon, pen gripped so tightly his knuckles turn white. The echo of a heartbeat haunts him as he creates a new plan and Saix steps foot in Radiant Garden to find his new accomplice as memories of Isa flood to the forefront of his mind. It brings with it a faint discomfort that he casts aside; he has work to focus on. 

Even is more than willing to assist him and the knowledge is sometimes enough to drive away the itch that crawls under his skin. The itch that becomes an ache, burning into his mind as he stares at his reflection with its glowing golden eyes and cold determination. He will drag himself home on his bloodied knees if he has to and the rage that fuels his berserker state within him begins to burn in anticipation. 

He sits in Vexen’s makeshift lab as the older man mutters to himself and tinkers with his replicas. They talk about Radiant Garden as the moon illuminates Saix’s journal that he writes in neatly as Vexen scrawls notes beside him on the lab bench. With a dawning memory of sadness, Saix realises that he no longer considers Radiant Garden his home. It’s a realisation that freezes his hand mid-sentence; he wishes to atone for his behaviour in the past, yes, but where will he go once this is all over?  _ Home _ , the faint whisper of his heart tells him. 

But where is his home now? 

\---

He’s barely there for the fight, barely conscious through the berserking. He comes back as he collapses to his knees, already feeling the emptiness of the void coming back to reclaim his body even as he finds the strength to tease Lea one last time. 

He should have said more, perhaps he could have tried harder to find his old friend. He should have fought harder to retain his humanity, but he had been left behind and abandoned with no one he could trust. He sighs to himself, it’s over now, what’s done is done. He doesn’t even know if he’ll make it back another time - how much longer must he endure his punishment before the moon will finally grant him rest? Before it will lead him home? 

The emptiness comes for Saix once more and this time he welcomes it like an old friend. This time, he manages to crack a smile and a wheeze of a laugh as his body breaks apart and fades. This is his fourth time ‘dying’ and yet it feels so  _ new _ . 

The Darkness is comforting. It allows him to simply exist without highlighting all the places he crumbles and all the pieces that don’t quite fit together. He lies in the dark and he waits. He doesn’t mind this phase so much anymore now that he’s completed his goal. 

He swears he can see the moonlight like a beacon through the night, pulling him onwards. And still he feels loneliness and despair wash over him but for what reason he’s not sure. Lea, Roxas, and Xion are all alive. He has no doubt that together with the other Lights they will accomplish their goal. 

Saix closes his eyes as his body goes numb. This darkness, this comfort that he feels, this sense of satisfaction - he has atoned for his sins, and he is returning to his home. 

**Saix** smiles, and  **Isa** opens his eyes. 

He awakens in Radiant Garden, greeted by the familiar faces of the apprentices, and he lets out his first proper, genuine laugh in years. He never thought he’d see the day when he’d have his heart back without any catches. It’s overwhelming but he’s not alone anymore. 

He sees the moon that night and cries for the first time since he was a child - it’s finally led his heart back to him. He’s sitting on the beach by the ocean, watching the tide come and go as he takes in the feeling of it all. The salty scent of the waves and the sound of it lapping against the rocks fills him with a contentment he hadn’t had much memory of until now. He joins the others on the clock tower with ice cream and assists with the restoration of Radiant Garden at other times. He lingers on the clock tower long after everyone else has left, fiddling with the stick of his ice cream idly as he stares out over Twilight Town lost in thought.

He finds himself making his way up to the rooftops of Radiant Garden often, sitting alone with only the moonlight and his journal as company. He’s not quite sure what he’s hoping for, but for now it’s enough. He had nothing and now he’s broken past the glass and through into the world of warmth again, no longer empty. Isa smiles as he looks up at the moon and closes his journal. 

**Maybe he’s not home yet, but he feels the Moon’s glow, and he knows he’s finally on his way.**


End file.
